I Hope There Are Horses In Heaven

My Grandfather died yesterday, February 4. I don’t know what to say about it really other than I am shocked that I am having such a difficult time with it, cry at the mere thought that I won’t see him again, or at least not until I get to where he is. I guess the fact that he was the one grandparent I was closest to and knew the longest has something to do with it. My feelings about him go very very deep, too deep to write about but enough to say that now he is gone, I realize how much he has impacted my entire life. Tremendously. As a child he was a god to me, he hung the moon and lit the stars. There was nothing he would not have given me. I drank my first cup of coffee with him, Sanka. Can you imagine? I slept in his bed, he by my side, the almighty protector. (I weep steadily as I type this.) He bought me my first horse. Found him at an auction, he would have been slaughtered that day if he didn’t save him. I remember when I got the call that he was bringing me a horse. Thrill through my veins. I took advantage though, after-all I was a teenager.

We took many road-trips together, back and forth from Northern Kentucky to the Eastern Hills. I wish now I could remember the details of the conversations. But when I think about it, maybe we didn’t talk much. Didn’t need to really. Now that I am an adult with my own responsibilities, he was most likely stressed. Once we were forced to stop on the side of the highway because a frightening storm was upon us, with hail the size of softballs. He held me tight. I did not see his fear, but he was scared. A man who knew no fear, would fall to his knees at the thought of something bad happening to me, any of us. He spoke of this experience a lot when I would see him the past several months. Something about it stayed with him. I think his fears began to show themselves after his beloved son passed away. What could be more scary than loosing a child?  I know of nothing else. I knew when Phillip died, he wouldn’t be far behind. And I was right. It took about five months. He told me once on one of those trips that he wanted to be buried by the highway, so he could hear the cars go by. See, he spent a lot of his days on the highway. It was part of his job. He owned a taxi business that would transport railroad workers back and forth. That job always seemed crazy to me, but he loved it. Free Bird!

Here are some other things I remember:

• He was always packin’, a gun that is. My dad used to get so upset because he would leave weapons out in the open. He was in law enforcement too, did I mention that? A staunch Reagan Republican, there is a picture of him hanging on his wall in his house, over his bed. With one of President Bush right beside it.
• He thought I should have been be a police officer. I thought about it but was too wild and crazy to take it seriously. My life would have turned out a lot different if I had taken his advice.
• Tobacco, Red Man to be specific. He smoked a pipe years ago. I always loved the smell of it. If I were to get a wiff of that vanilla right now, I would be happy.
• He was a horse-lover to the highest degree. Not only did he rescue people, he rescued animals. I wonder who will love the cats at the barn now?
• His coveralls, his gloves, his keys, his hats, his boots, his vans, his cars, he had a lot of “stuff.”
• The fact that there was more food than anyone could ever eat in his home. He had a fear that there would never be enough.
• He told Uncle Sam more than once to kiss his you know what. He thought it was crazy to give so much of his money to the government. I think it’s crazy too.
• He was tall, very tall.
• He was strong, very very strong.
• His life was threatened many many times. But no one ever had the balls to kill him. I am not exaggerating.
• He told me once that he could chug a tall glass of straight whiskey in one shot like it was a Coca-Cola. I didn’t doubt it. But he wouldn’t because his daddy did and he knew better. He knew better not to take it that far anyway.
• He was a dedicated son, big brother, unconditional uncle, loving father, devoted grandfather, proud great-grandfather, best-friend, protector, savior…….. the list goes on.
• He was always clean and smelled like a fresh shower and Old Spice.
• I am told as I get older that I look like my mother. He said I looked like her long before anyone else did. He saw things others did not.
• He was smart.
• He could see right through people. Liked you or he didn’t.
• My son has his height and his ears.
• My daughter his stubbornness and humor. Yes he was extremely funny and witty too.
• I tried to talk him into going to the ocean once before he died and he said he would rather stand in a pile of horse shit than go to the beach. That’s what he said. And now, to see him standing at the foot of the ocean wouldn’t look right at all. He was so sure of himself.
• The horses my sister has, he gave her. And they are awesome horses. He had an eye for the good ones and a heart for the desperate ones.
• He was the first person my little girl laughed at. I have a photograph to prove it and my mom as a witness. She knows a good man when she sees one.
• He loved his wife and stayed with her til her end.
• My cousin Kris looks just like him.
• He handed out money like butterscotch candy, or peppermint candy, whichever he had in his pocket for the horses.
• We all took advantage of him at one time or another. I think it’s human nature to do so. Maybe with some ignorance mixed in.
• He was dad to many.
• He wouldn’t go to weddings, but he drove me to mine and went to the reception, he had not ever done that before. That was the best part of the day for me. I will never forget it!
• He told me things, secrets, that I will never tell. The fact he trusted me is an honor.
• He said something to me once that hurt me to my core. But he was right and it was true and now I forgive him.
• I, We, will miss him terribly. Now that he is gone, a part of me is too. This has changed me somehow. Not sure how yet, but it has most definitely changed me.

Tipton Ralph Lee as a young man

My Mom, so sure he was as proud of this picture as he was of her. She’s his spittin’ image and I know now more than ever, I am proud too.

Shakertown visit, that was a special day for them. My dad took this picture and many others from that day. Love my dad!

This one in particular makes my heart sink into my chest. Us girls will miss him more than we understand at this point in time. Life will never be same without this incredible man.

Our last Christmas with him.

One of my most favorite pictures. This says more than you know.

His favorite spot on earth.

After telling Rylee that he had died yesterday, tears came to her eyes, she said “It’s ok, he is in heaven and he is better.” Then she went to the window looked up into the sky and said, “Mom, he’s in the clouds. I saw him, look, do you see?” I said yes I do Rylee, you are right, he is in the clouds.

The horses in heaven are happy today!